booze and sugar, sugar and booze.

the most frightening thing about fasting, for me, is giving up sugar. sugar and booze. i thoroughly enjoy both, on a very regular basis. the thing about both of these, at least for me, is that one drink, or one cookie always calls for more. and while i don’t get drunk (at least these days) and i’m not obese, the lack of self control is the issue. i would never have a second helping of salad if i was full. i would not have ‘one last’ glass of water, if i had just sucked down three

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i will give them up though, for my fast, the length of which i am still unsure about. i will give up booze and sugar, and i will be fine. i will be a better person for it. my body will be detoxed, and i will feel free. i am looking forward to that freedom. i am looking forward to feeling like myself, to not being a slave to consumption.

i smoked cigarettes for a long time. almost twenty years. when i quit for good (it took me several 2 or 3 months tries and fails to do so), i remember listing in my head over and over all the reasons there were to quit. the reason that really stuck with me, even above cancer and wrinkles, was not being a slave to the addiction. the draw of quitting was being able to say I am stronger than my cravings, I am stronger than the chemical reaction in my brain that makes consuming these substances so appealing. I AM strong enough, and I deserve that freedom.

i have been feeling these last few days, since i have decided to do a juice fast, that i need to eat every food that i have ever loved (vegan only, of course), just in case it is the last time i ever eat it again. i realize that this is not a healthy relationship to have with food. but it is not all food. it is sugar, and it is booze. after the fast i can have all the fruits and vegetables and nuts and seeds that i desire, and to be honest, i will most likely come up with some sort of ‘sugar free’ margarita, and maybe i will develop a new love for chia seed pudding…but for now, i am glad for the vacation from the pull that sugar and booze have on me. and i am looking forward to that freedom.

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once upon a time

once upon a time, what seems like a million years ago, i ate meat. and cheese. and eggs. but mostly cheese. everything i ate had cheese on it. in fact, almost every meal was a combination of white flour (pasta, pizza crust, bagels, bread), spinach, tomato and cheese. it was all delicious. every last cheesy bite of it. then i read a book, or watched a video, or something my mom said made me realize that eating meat was equal to killing the animal. and worse than killing the animal, is the torture they must endure in their life at the factory farm. so i stopped. i read more, and watched more and thought more.

that was twelve years ago and i didn’t want to be a part of the problem, so i did what i could. i stopped eating animal flesh and eventually all animal products.  i did it for the animals. not to lose weight, or to be healthier, or to improve my athletic endurance. sure, i lost a couple pounds and sure, i felt a little better, and while i made a difference in the lives of many farm animals i only made a small difference in my life and in my health. i don’t eat meat anymore, or cheese, or eggs.

i am a vegan. i am a junk-food vegan. i love pasta, i love pancakes and i buy more earth balance in a week than i care to admit. and while i am healthy by american standards; i feel pretty good, i can run a few miles and i am not fat; i know that i am not my healthiest, most attractive, or my leanest, strongest self. now i am a thirty seven year old mother of three who wants to live forever.  so i will begin my transition from junk food vegan to whole food vegan. i will kick start my journey with a juice fast (fat, sick and nearly dead style). after that i will avoid sugar at all costs (i am a sugar addict, got to stay off that train) and stick to fruits, veggies, nuts and seeds.  i will also track my athletic/endurance performance, as i started running this past summer, completed my first half marathon in december, and will pick up again during or after the juice fast.

i am having a minor surgery the first week of march, so i will wait until mid-march to begin my fast. in the meantime i will gather juice recipes, dust off my running shoes, and pack up my fat jeans to send to good-will.